Heavy and Light

Life feels so light these days compared to during the school year. I feel so light without the barrage of homework assignments one day after another taking up 90% of the room in my brain. Without the heavy backpack on my shoulders all day long. Just walking around with my phone and ID in hand, actually having the time to take hour-long walks by myself just because I want to. Actually having the time to chat with friends upon passing. Research is much more self-paced than classes; you can essentially work as little or as much as you want to -- for better or for worse. There’s generally no need to stay up after 11pm unless one really wants to. Many of my friends and I are probably significantly healthier these days, because we actually have time to take care of ourselves physically and mentally.

I would say that I am happier now compared to during the school year, and I think anyone who has seen me in both scenarios would agree, except I fear that this may only be on the outside.

This life is not exactly all sunshine and rainbows, though, because at the same time heavy thoughts linger in the back of my head: nervousness and stress about financials for CMM¹ and Athemath, and quite a lot of stress about logistics for CMM; stuff I need to deal with in the next few months, but which I should really be doing now. My own future -- how I need to quickly decide what to do next year and next summer, and Plan A requires doing X thing a few months in advance, which requires doing Y thing before that, which requires doing Z thing right now… And worst of all, impending AI doom, global conflict, global warming, and all the other terrible things that the future could hold. How I don’t know if I’ll survive past 50, or even past 30². The state of the world in 5 years or 10 years is just a closed set of curtains to me, behind which could lie a completely normal world or a complete disaster or anything in between. I am lucky enough to have had a pretty amazing life so far, but who knows if that will invert completely. For now, I’m just trying to keep moving forward. But I’ll need enough momentum so that if those curtains refuse to open, I’ll still be able to find a way through. I’ll need to start building that momentum now.

All these heavy thoughts are screaming, do something right now!!! Take advantage of the fact that you don’t have homework to do! But I’m kinda just pushing them into a corner of my brain and continuing to float through a light life, phone and ID in hand.

Although a light life can feel freeing and whimsical, it needs some weight to have substance. It needs a tie, an anchor, to a heavy aspect of life -- even just one string. To care deeply about something which you aren’t 100% sure will go well; aren’t 100% sure you can take for granted. And then you will see the fruits of your actions in the continued survival of the person, organization, organism, relationship, etc. that you care so much about. You feel like you’re actually doing something, making a difference in the world. Maybe heavy thoughts nag at the back of your mind, but at least you can quell them by thinking that you’re trying your best. This deep care is, in my opinion, one of the most important -- and also difficult to obtain -- things that one can have in modern society. Passion really is the key to productivity.

It’s so easy to be nonchalant. It’s so easy to be apathetic. There are so many terrible things happening outside that we’re used to. There’s so much entertainment at our fingertips, that even the most mundane daily routine can be made to feel artificially fulfilling.

I think one of the most effective ways to develop passion is to observe other passionate people and spend time around them, because passion is contagious. From a distance -- like observing skyscrapers and bustling streets -- or up close, like visiting a friend. I am quite heavily influenced by my environment, so if the people around me are living lighter lives then I feel like doing so too. But anyway, I think my life is a little bit too light right now. This is definitely a solvable problem -- I should do more things with my time; develop strings of passion tying me to heavy things, which would help me direct productivity to them. (Easier said than done though.) It’s also important to make sure that I’m taking care of myself and maintaining a good demeanor so that I am able to be a good friend. I want to be happy on both the outside and the inside, which is actually quite nontrivial, because it requires a mixture of heavy and light.

1. Caltech Math Meet (https://www.caltechmathmeet.org/)

2. When I was a child, I actually thought that I was part of the last or second-to-last generation of humans. I actually thought I would die by a natural disaster, nuclear disaster, or some other sort of conflict rather than through a natural death, and I kinda just accepted that this was how life would be. I wish that would have changed by now, but I’m not so sure.