there is no better time than now
my friend visited me at caltech for a couple days recently, and i spent so much more time actually socializing -- going outside and doing random stuff -- than i usually do. not even fancy stuff; nothing that involved spending extra money; just simple stuff like visiting dorms other than the one i live in, having random conversations with people in common areas (outside buildings, outside peoples’ rooms, on random couches of random dorms, etc.), and walking under the sunset and night sky. and i was so much happier than i usually am. (i am usually happy, but homework stress is usually the first thing on my mind, which was not the case these past few days!) although i am an introvert, being around and interacting with other people is the number one thing that makes me happy.
one thing that often discourages me a little bit from socializing, is the desire for other people to see the best version of myself. to work on becoming the best version of myself, and then when i am, finally socialize a lot so that other people can get the impression of me that i always wanted them to have. so part of me is waiting for the day when i’ll finally feel like the best version of myself, worthy enough of meeting the world.
but the times when i do socialize, make me think otherwise. i see people who are socializing, having so much fun behind closed doors -- or outside the closed door of my room -- that i wouldn’t have seen otherwise, wouldn’t have known about unless i were there in-person to experience it. so much laughter and love that brings people together. and it always makes me feel so much more alive than if i were in my room doing homework (or trying to). essentially every time i socialize, i’m able to enjoy being human rather than wishing i were a better version of myself.
i sometimes listen to music to experience magic; so that a little bit of energy and happiness will help me get through the homework assignment i’m grinding through. to at least partially replace all the magic that i’m missing out on when i’m isolated in my room. but there is no way to replace that magic; nothing other than socialization can give me the type of happiness that socialization can. no music can match the sound of conversations around me, or laughter in a crowded place. i need to take off my headphones, leave that imaginary world behind, and have the real world be my soundtrack; live in the present and try to experience as many things as possible -- going to places i haven’t been before, talking to new people, and leaving my comfort zone.
when my friend visited, we walked around two of the dorms which i don’t live in, but which i have many friends in. however, many of these friends are my classmates who i don’t really interact with outside the classroom or working-on-homework-together settings, and there are definitely vibrant sides of them that i don’t see because those sides only show when they go back to their dorm and interact with people they’re closer with. but even by just walking around the dorms and having dinner there, we had some really interesting and funny encounters with people living in those dorms, which made me wonder why i don’t do this more; spend more of my pockets of free time going to random places and doing random stuff that makes me realize just how many things there are to do here.
last night, i went to CS office hours, a bright buzzing room in a dark building under the night sky, which was filled with people typing and joking and being confused and having “aha” moments. some of my friends were there, having collectively decided to spend the night at office hours, and they were joking about dining hall apples and being stuck on CS projects. then i walked back across campus alone, passing by many groups of people who were laughing and holding hands and having a wholesome good time. it was a peaceful warm night, but campus was definitely not asleep -- voices pierced the silence and peoples’ smiles shone brightly against the night sky -- and it almost felt like the air held some irresistible magic. i could be those people walking together and laughing, or even the people suffering together on CS projects in office hours. i’m in a place full of magic, bright lights under the dark sky, and i only have like 3 more years to leave my dorm room and experience as much of it as i can.
as it happens, i’ll be wanting to improve myself for the entirety of my life, and “being the best version of myself” should be more of a beacon than an achievable goal. rather than waiting to become better, so that other people may see a better side of me than they currently would, i should put myself out there right now, and seize the magic of right now before it fades away. if i wait until i’m ready, then i’ll be waiting forever. there is no better time than now.